Guide
Compassion means being touched by suffering, your own or someone else’s, with the wish to relieve it. Self-compassion means offering yourself that same attitude when you suffer, fail or feel inadequate.
What it is
Faced with a friend who has just failed an exam, almost all of us know what to do: listen, reassure, remind them that it happens to anyone, help them see what comes next. Faced with our own mistakes, many people do the opposite: “you’re hopeless, you’ll never make it”. Self-compassion suggests using with yourself the voice you already use with others.
The psychologist Kristin Neff describes three components, each the opposite of a trap:
- Mindfulness (instead of over-identification): acknowledging “this is a difficult moment”, without denying the pain or drowning in it.
- Common humanity (instead of isolation): remembering that suffering, making mistakes and being imperfect are part of the human condition. I am not alone.
- Kindness (instead of self-criticism): speaking to yourself warmly and asking yourself “what do I need?”.
A little theory · Neff defined self-compassion in 2003 and created a scale to measure it, the Self-Compassion Scale, now translated into many languages. With Christopher Germer she later developed the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) programme, tested in a controlled trial (Neff and Germer, 2013).
What it isn’t
- It isn’t self-pity: you don’t shut yourself away in “poor me”; on the contrary, you remember that others go through the same thing.
- It isn’t complacency: a loving parent doesn’t let their child get away with everything; they encourage them to improve, without humiliating them.
- It isn’t self-esteem: self-esteem often depends on success and comparison; self-compassion is available precisely when you fail.
A little theory · The most common fear is “going too easy on yourself”. In several experiments, after a failure, people invited to be kind to themselves spent more time studying for the next test (Breines and Chen, 2012).
What research says
Self-compassion is strongly linked to less anxiety, depression and stress. Programmes that train it have measurable effects, although they don’t replace treatment when suffering is significant.
A little theory · A meta-analysis found a strong link between self-compassion and lower psychopathology (anxiety, depression, stress): the kinder you are to yourself, the fewer the symptoms (MacBeth and Gumley, 2012). These are correlational studies: on their own they don’t prove that self-compassion is the cause.
A little theory · Controlled trials show that self-compassion interventions reduce rumination, self-criticism, stress, anxiety and depressive symptoms (Ferrari et al., 2019). Another meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions finds moderate effects on psychological distress and well-being (Kirby et al., 2017).
The three emotional systems
The psychologist Paul Gilbert created compassion-focused therapy (CFT), first for people who were very self-critical and full of shame. He describes three major systems for regulating emotions:
- threat, which protects us (fear, anger, alertness);
- drive, which pushes us to seek, obtain, achieve;
- soothing, which allows us to feel safe, calm and connected to others.
In many people, threat and drive take up all the space, and soothing is underdeveloped. Self-criticism activates the threat system: you treat yourself as a danger. Compassion helps strengthen soothing (worksheet 127).
A little theory · For Gilbert, self-criticism often has a protective function: avoiding rejection, shame, failure. CFT doesn’t try to fight it, but to develop alongside it a “compassionate self”, wise, strong and warm, which pursues the same aim without the harshness (Gilbert, 2009, 2014; worksheets 128 and 129). This three-system model is a useful metaphor, not an exact map of the brain.
Compassion for others: empathy or compassion?
Feeling other people’s pain is deeply human. But when you feel it as if it were your own, you can wear yourself out: this is empathic distress, common among health workers and family carers. Compassion adds warmth and the wish to help to empathy, which is more protective (worksheet 132).
A little theory · In a study by the neuroscientist Tania Singer, training in empathy alone increased negative emotions in the face of others’ suffering, whereas training in compassion increased positive emotions and activated other brain networks (Klimecki et al., 2014; Singer and Klimecki, 2014).
A little theory · Loving-kindness meditation, which consists of directing good wishes towards yourself and others, increases positive emotions and may help with various psychological difficulties, although the studies still need to go further (Hofmann et al., 2011; worksheet 130).
When it’s hard: “backdraft”
For some people, kindness towards themselves at first brings sadness, discomfort or even mistrust. Germer and Neff speak of “backdraft”: when you open the door to tenderness, old pains that never received it rise up too. This is to be expected, especially if tenderness was scarce or dangerous in your history.
A little theory · Paul Gilbert described “fears of compassion”: fear of giving it, of receiving it and of granting it to yourself. They are associated with self-criticism and depressive symptoms (Gilbert et al., 2011). In that case it is better to move forward in small doses, with a psychologist (worksheet 131).
How to start
- At the next difficult moment, take a self-compassion break: “this is a difficult moment”, “other people go through this too”, “what do I need?” (worksheets 22 and 124).
- Ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the same situation (worksheet 125).
- A gesture can help: a hand on your chest or arm, a softer tone of voice.
- Start little by little, one sentence at a time. It isn’t something you either have or don’t have: it can be trained.
Watch: short videos
- The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion, Kristin Neff explains the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion (TEDx).
The videos open on YouTube. They complement this guide and are no substitute for support.
Worksheets to practise
- 124 · The three pillars of self-compassion · Mindfulness, common humanity, kindness
- 125 · What if it were a friend? · Comparing how I speak to others and how I speak to myself
- 126 · The kind letter · Writing to myself as someone who wishes me well would
- 22 · Talking to myself as I would to a friend · The self-compassion break for anxiety
- 127 · My three emotional systems · Threat, drive, soothing
- 128 · Understanding my inner critic · What it says, what it is trying to protect
- 129 · My compassionate self · Imagining the wisest, strongest, warmest version of me
- 130 · Loving-kindness meditation · Sending good wishes, to myself and to others
- 131 · What holds me back from compassion · Fears of kindness, towards myself and from others
- 132 · Helping without wearing myself out · From empathic distress to compassion
Sources
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
Neff, K. D. & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the Mindful Self-Compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.
Germer, C. K. & Neff, K. D. (2019). Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals. Guilford.
Gilbert, P. (2009). Introducing compassion-focused therapy. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 15(3), 199-208.
Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53(1), 6-41.
Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Matos, M. & Rivis, A. (2011). Fears of compassion: Development of three self-report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 84(3), 239-255.
MacBeth, A. & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545-552.
Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P. & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10(8), 1455-1473.
Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L. & Steindl, S. R. (2017). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions: Current state of knowledge and future directions. Behavior Therapy, 48(6), 778-792.
Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Batts Allen, A. & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(5), 887-904.
Hofmann, S. G., Grossman, P. & Hinton, D. E. (2011). Loving-kindness and compassion meditation: Potential for psychological interventions. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(7), 1126-1132.
Singer, T. & Klimecki, O. M. (2014). Empathy and compassion. Current Biology, 24(18), R875-R878.
Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. & Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873-879.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
