Guide
Two people lose their jobs on the same day. One is devastated; the other is worried, but already looking. Why does the same situation stress one person so much and the other less? The psychologists Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman proposed an answer that has become a classic.
Stress: an encounter between the situation and you
For Lazarus and Folkman, stress lies neither only in the situation nor only in the person: it arises from the relationship between the two. What counts is how you appraise what is happening to you and what you believe you can do. This is called the “transactional” model of stress.
Two questions we ask ourselves without realising
- First question: “Does this matter to me? What is at stake?” The situation can be experienced as a loss (something is already damaged), a threat (something could be damaged) or a challenge (a difficulty, but also an opportunity to learn or gain something).
- Second question: “What can I do? Do I have resources?” Your strengths, your experience, the people around you, your time, your money, the possible options.
We feel stress when what is asked of us seems to exceed the resources we have. And these appraisals change: with new information, with help or with some distance, we reassess.
A little theory · Lazarus and Folkman defined coping as constantly changing efforts, in thought and action, to manage demands that are appraised as exceeding one’s resources (Lazarus and Folkman, 1984). Coping is therefore not a character trait, but a process that evolves with the situation.
A little theory · In a study of students, emotions and ways of coping changed clearly between before the exam, after the exam and the moment the results came out (Folkman and Lazarus, 1985). Hence the article’s title: “If it changes it must be a process”.
Two main ways of coping
- Problem-focused coping: acting on the situation itself. Finding information, making a plan, asking for practical help, negotiating, training, making a decision.
- Emotion-focused coping: acting on what the situation makes you feel. Calming yourself, taking some distance, seeking comfort, seeing the situation from another angle, accepting what can’t change.
A little theory · They aren’t opposites: they are almost always used together. In the founding study of 100 adults aged 45 to 64 followed for a year, both forms appeared in more than 98% of the stressful situations described (Folkman and Lazarus, 1980). Later, the researchers distinguished eight ways of coping, from planful problem-solving to positive reappraisal, including seeking support and escape-avoidance (Folkman et al., 1986).
Which to choose? It depends on what depends on you
No way of coping is good in every circumstance. The key question is: can I change anything about this situation?
- If the answer is yes, it is generally better to act on the problem: merely “managing your emotions” in the face of a problem that has a solution allows it to grow.
- If the answer is no (a diagnosis, a bereavement, someone else’s decision), insisting on solving what can’t be solved wears you out: it is better to look after what you feel and accept what doesn’t depend on you.
- Often, the same situation has a part that can be changed and a part that can’t: you do both, each in its place.
A little theory · As early as 1984, Susan Folkman proposed that the effectiveness of a way of coping depends on the fit between the strategy and what is controllable in the situation (Folkman, 1984). A meta-analysis of almost 59,000 participants confirms a link between flexibility (being able to change strategy depending on the situation) and better psychological adjustment. The link is modest, but clearer when the strategy fits the situation and when the person feels able to adapt (Cheng et al., 2014).
Not all ways of “managing emotions” are equal
Some ways of dealing with emotion bring relief in the short term but cost you in the long term: avoiding thinking about it at all costs, denying, isolating yourself, drinking, going over and over it. Others really help: acknowledging what you feel, expressing it, talking about it, calming yourself, seeing the situation differently.
A little theory · In a meta-analysis, problem-solving was associated with better health, while avoidance and several forms of emotion-focused coping (such as blaming oneself or wishing the problem would go away) were associated with poorer health (Penley et al., 2002).
A little theory · Annette Stanton and her colleagues showed that older questionnaires mixed up “dealing with emotion” and “being overwhelmed by emotion”. When understanding and expressing one’s emotions is measured separately, these strategies are, if anything, associated with better adjustment (Stanton et al., 2000). Other researchers point out that the split between problem and emotion is a simplification: seeking support, for example, serves both (Skinner et al., 2003).
A third way: making meaning
Faced with very hard, lasting situations that can’t be solved, Folkman observed another way of coping: leaning on your values, revising your goals, looking for what the difficulty teaches or makes possible, and noticing the small positive moments that exist despite everything.
A little theory · Following people caring for a seriously ill partner, Folkman found that positive emotions coexisted with very high stress, and that they relied on this “meaning-focused coping” (Folkman, 1997; Folkman and Moskowitz, 2004). It connects with values work in ACT.
How to use it
- What is at stake for me? Name what you fear losing or what matters to you (and what you feel: worksheet 75).
- What depends on me? Separate the part that can be changed from the part that can’t (worksheet 102). A worry about a problem that doesn’t exist yet has no solution to look for now (worksheet 64).
- For the part that can be changed: solve the problem step by step (worksheet 65), decide (worksheet 66), get started (worksheet 67).
- For the part that can’t be changed: look after what you feel (worksheets 15, 22) and let go of the pointless struggle (worksheets 29, 82).
- In both cases, don’t stay alone: asking for help, practical or emotional, is a fully fledged way of coping (worksheet 49).
- Reassess from time to time: what was a threat can become a challenge, and a blocked situation can open up.
If you have felt for a long time that the demands exceed your resources (at work, for example), worksheet 98 helps you take stock, and a psychologist can support you.
Worksheets to practise
- 136 · My two questions in the face of stress · What is at stake? What can I do?
- 137 · Problem or emotion? · Separating what I can change from what I can’t
- 138 · My coping toolbox · What I already do in the face of stress, and what it costs me
- 139 · Threat or challenge? · Looking at the same situation from another angle
- 140 · Finding meaning in a difficult situation · When I can’t change the situation
- 102 · What depends on me · Sorting what I can act on, influence or accept
- 65 · Solving a problem step by step · A simple method for moving from worry to action
- 64 · Real or hypothetical worry? · Sorting worries: solving what can be solved, letting go of the rest
- 66 · For and against changing · Looking honestly at what I gain and lose by changing
- 67 · Stopping putting things off · Getting started with a 5-minute first step
- 82 · Radical acceptance · Fully accepting what cannot be changed
- 29 · Dropping the rope · Stopping the tug-of-war with the anxiety monster (acceptance)
- 22 · Talking to myself as I would to a friend · The self-compassion break for anxiety
- 15 · Slow breathing · Slow breathing to accompany anxiety
- 49 · My network here and there · Mapping social support in two countries
- 98 · Demands and resources · Taking stock of what weighs on me and what holds me up at work
Sources
Lazarus, R. S. & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Springer.
Folkman, S. & Lazarus, R. S. (1980). An analysis of coping in a middle-aged community sample. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 21(3), 219-239.
Folkman, S. (1984). Personal control and stress and coping processes: A theoretical analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 46(4), 839-852.
Folkman, S. & Lazarus, R. S. (1985). If it changes it must be a process: Study of emotion and coping during three stages of a college examination. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 48(1), 150-170.
Folkman, S., Lazarus, R. S., Dunkel-Schetter, C., DeLongis, A. & Gruen, R. J. (1986). Dynamics of a stressful encounter: Cognitive appraisal, coping, and encounter outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(5), 992-1003.
Lazarus, R. S. & Folkman, S. (1987). Transactional theory and research on emotions and coping. European Journal of Personality, 1(3), 141-169.
Lazarus, R. S. (1993). From psychological stress to the emotions: A history of changing outlooks. Annual Review of Psychology, 44, 1-22.
Folkman, S. (1997). Positive psychological states and coping with severe stress. Social Science & Medicine, 45(8), 1207-1221.
Folkman, S. & Moskowitz, J. T. (2004). Coping: Pitfalls and promise. Annual Review of Psychology, 55, 745-774.
Carver, C. S., Scheier, M. F. & Weintraub, J. K. (1989). Assessing coping strategies: A theoretically based approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 56(2), 267-283.
Stanton, A. L., Kirk, S. B., Cameron, C. L. & Danoff-Burg, S. (2000). Coping through emotional approach: Scale construction and validation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(6), 1150-1169.
Penley, J. A., Tomaka, J. & Wiebe, J. S. (2002). The association of coping to physical and psychological health outcomes: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 25(6), 551-603.
Skinner, E. A., Edge, K., Altman, J. & Sherwood, H. (2003). Searching for the structure of coping: A review and critique of category systems for classifying ways of coping. Psychological Bulletin, 129(2), 216-269.
Cheng, C., Lau, H.-P. B. & Chan, M.-P. S. (2014). Coping flexibility and psychological adjustment to stressful life changes: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1582-1607.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
