Grief: after losing someone close · worksheet 147
After a loss, many people blame themselves: “if only I had noticed”, “I wasn’t there”, “our last conversation was an argument”. With what you know today, everything seems obvious. But back then you didn’t know everything you know now.
This exercise is best done with the support of a psychologist.
Before you start
- What it is for: To look at your self-reproaches more fairly, and to distinguish guilt from regret.
- Best with your psychologist; otherwise, about 30 minutes, calmly.
- With what you know today, everything seems obvious; back then it wasn’t.
- The aim isn’t to convince you that nothing matters, but to look at it more fairly.
Prefer paper? Download the PDF to print (with a page for psychologists).
What to do with your results
Regret is often a sign of love: you wish it had been different. It doesn’t mean it was your fault.
If you find it hard
If guilt is crushing you, especially after a suicide, talk to a professional. If you want to die or to be reunited with the person, call 112, 3114 (France) or your local emergency number.
For psychologists
The PDF also includes a page for the psychologist: how to run the exercise in session, points to watch and scientific references. You are free to use it with your clients.
For psychologists: aim, audience and duration
Examine guilt in grief (“if only…”) by distinguishing what the person knew and could do at the time from what they know today (hindsight bias), and make room for regret without self-condemnation.
Persistent guilt after a death (an undetected illness, an argument, being absent at the time of death, a loved one’s suicide). Duration: 30 min, ideally in session.
References
Li, J., Stroebe, M., Chan, C. L. W. & Chow, A. Y. M. (2014). Guilt in bereavement: A review and conceptual framework. Death Studies, 38(3), 165-171.
Kubany, E. S. & Manke, F. P. (1995). Cognitive therapy for trauma-related guilt: Conceptual bases and treatment outlines. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 2(1), 27-61.
Boelen, P. A., van den Hout, M. A. & van den Bout, J. (2006). A cognitive-behavioral conceptualization of complicated grief. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 13(2), 109-128.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
Free worksheet for non-commercial use: you may share it with credit to the author, without modifying it (Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 4.0 licence).
