Guide
Having high standards can be a quality. Perfectionism becomes a problem when the worth we give ourselves depends almost entirely on success, and the rules become so strict that they wear us out.
The signs
- Rigid rules (“I must”, “I must never”) and “all or nothing” thinking.
- Fear of making mistakes, procrastination, excessive checking.
- Harsh self-criticism, even after a success.
A little theory · Researchers distinguish self-oriented perfectionism (“I have to be perfect”), the perfectionism we believe others demand of us (“they expect perfection from me”) and the perfectionism we demand of others (Hewitt and Flett, 1991). A meta-analysis of more than 40,000 students shows that all three forms increased between 1989 and 2016, above all the perceived pressure from others (Curran and Hill, 2019).
The link with self-esteem
When self-esteem is low, we mainly notice our faults and play down our qualities. We compensate by trying to be beyond reproach, which keeps the fear of failure going.
The trap: when things go well, we put it down to excessive effort (and keep it up); when they go badly, we judge ourselves harshly. Either way, the rule comes out stronger.
A little theory · Perfectionism is associated with anxiety, depression, eating disorders and burnout; what weighs most is the fear of making mistakes and concern about being judged (Limburg et al., 2017).
A little theory · Self-compassion (treating yourself with the same kindness as a friend who is going through a hard time) isn’t complacency: it allows you to acknowledge a mistake and improve without falling apart. It is an alternative to self-esteem based on success (Neff, 2003).
What helps
- Making your rules more flexible and trying out “good enough”.
- Rebalancing the way you see yourself by noting your qualities and achievements.
- Treating yourself with the kindness you would give a friend.
Perfectionism is present in many difficulties (anxiety, depression, exhaustion): working on it often helps on several fronts.
Worksheets to practise
- 73 · More flexible rules · Loosening perfectionism: from “I must” to “I would like to”
- 72 · My qualities and achievements · Rebalancing the way you see yourself (self-esteem)
- 62 · The downward arrow · Going down from a thought to the belief underneath it
- 22 · Talking to myself as I would to a friend · The self-compassion break for anxiety
- 67 · Stopping putting things off · Getting started with a 5-minute first step
Sources
Egan, S. J., Wade, T. D. & Shafran, R. (2011). Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: A clinical review. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(2), 203-212.
Fennell, M. J. V. (1997). Low self-esteem: A cognitive perspective. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 25(1), 1-26.
Curran, T. & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410-429.
Limburg, K., Watson, H. J., Hagger, M. S. & Egan, S. J. (2017). The relationship between perfectionism and psychopathology: A meta-analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73(10), 1301-1326.
Hewitt, P. L. & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456-470.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
