DBT: relationships · worksheet 87
In a difficult conversation we can be looking for three things: getting what we want, keeping a good relationship and still being proud of ourselves afterwards. Knowing which matters most helps you choose how to speak.
Before you start
- What it is for: To keep good relationships without losing yourself in difficult conversations.
- About 10 minutes, before or after a difficult conversation.
- In every conversation three things are at stake: getting what you want, looking after the relationship and keeping your self-respect. Knowing your priority helps you choose how to speak.
- Some people tend to forget themselves; others, the other person. This worksheet helps you see which way you lean.
Prefer paper? Download the PDF to print (with a page for psychologists).
What to do with your results
The last question is the most important one: if you are proud of how you acted, that is an achievement, whatever the other person replies.
If you find it hard
If you tend to give in so as not to lose the other person, practise first with people you trust. In a relationship in which you are afraid, ask for help.
For psychologists
The PDF also includes a page for the psychologist: how to run the exercise in session, points to watch and scientific references. You are free to use it with your clients.
For psychologists: aim, audience and duration
Complement effective requests with two goals: looking after the relationship (kindness, interest, validation, an easy manner) and looking after self-respect (fairness, not over-apologising, sticking to values, honesty).
Conflictual relationships, fear of abandonment, a tendency to give in or explode. Duration: 20 min in session.
References
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
Free worksheet for non-commercial use: you may share it with credit to the author, without modifying it (Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 4.0 licence).
