Guide
In third-wave therapies, “accepting” has a precise meaning: letting an unpleasant emotion or sensation be there, without fighting it, so that you can keep moving forward.
Why struggling keeps suffering going
Pain is part of life (a loss, a fear, a disappointment). But when we fight it (avoiding it, ruminating on it, hiding it, drowning it), we add a second layer: the suffering of the struggle, which often lasts longer than the pain itself.
A little theory · In one study, people with anxiety or depression watched an emotional film. Those who had learnt to accept their emotions felt less distress afterwards than those who had to suppress them, even though the emotion in the moment was similar (Campbell-Sills et al., 2006).
Russ Harris compares the struggle to a switch: when it is on, we add a second layer of suffering to the first.
What accepting means
- Noticing the emotion and naming it (“there is sadness right now”).
- Observing where it is in your body, with curiosity.
- Making room for it, as you would for a guest you didn’t choose.
- Carrying on doing what matters, with it.
Accepting, step by step
Acceptance isn’t a state you reach, it is a gesture you repeat. Worksheets 19 and 29 describe these four steps in detail.
A little theory · ACT speaks of “active” acceptance: you choose to make room for an inner experience because it lets you act according to your values, not because you are resigned. It is also called willingness: what you are willing to feel in order to do what matters (Hayes et al., 2006).
What accepting doesn’t mean
Accepting doesn’t mean liking what you feel, resigning yourself, or accepting an unfair or dangerous situation. You can make room for your fear and act to change what can be changed. Nor is it a technique to make the emotion disappear: if that is the aim, the struggle starts again.
A first step
Next time a difficult emotion rises, try the worksheet “Making room for the sensation”: a few minutes are enough.
Watch: short videos
- The Struggle Switch, by Russ Harris: the struggle switch.
The videos open on YouTube. They complement this guide and are no substitute for support.
Worksheets to practise
- 19 · Making room for the sensation · Welcoming anxious sensations instead of fighting them (acceptance)
- 29 · Dropping the rope · Stopping the tug-of-war with the anxiety monster (acceptance)
- 30 · The willingness dial · Choosing to open up to discomfort for what matters (openness)
- 28 · What I have already tried · Taking stock of control strategies (creative hopelessness)
- 57 · Making room for homesickness · Welcoming homesickness without drowning in it
Sources
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D. & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford.
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (2nd ed.). New Harbinger.
Campbell-Sills, L., Barlow, D. H., Brown, T. A. & Hofmann, S. G. (2006). Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxiety and mood disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1251-1263.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A. & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
