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Accepting help

For those used to doing everything on their own

Attachment: my bonds · worksheet 155

Some people learnt very early on to rely only on themselves. It is a strength, and often a protection. But over time, you can end up alone with everything. Receiving a little help can be learnt, step by step.

Before you start

  • What it is for: To allow yourself to receive, without losing your independence.
  • 15 minutes to prepare it; then one small experience a week.
  • Your independence is a strength: this isn’t about losing it.
  • Start with something very easy.

Prefer paper? Download the PDF to print (with a page for psychologists).

What to do with your results

You may notice that others often like helping, and that you aren’t as much of a nuisance as you think.

If you find it hard

If it is too uncomfortable, choose an even smaller step: accepting a coffee, letting someone carry a bag for you.

To understand · Read the guide “Attachment: understanding our bonds, from childhood to adulthood”

For psychologists

The PDF also includes a page for the psychologist: how to run the exercise in session, points to watch and scientific references. You are free to use it with your clients.

For psychologists: aim, audience and duration
Work on the deactivation of the attachment system (difficulty asking for and receiving support) through small, graded experiences of receiving help, observing the associated thoughts and sensations.
Very self-reliant people, who minimise their needs, look after others without ever asking, or feel uncomfortable being looked after. Duration: 15 min to prepare, then one small experience a week.

References
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R. & Pereg, D. (2003). Attachment theory and affect regulation: The dynamics, development, and cognitive consequences of attachment-related strategies. Motivation and Emotion, 27(2), 77-102.
Feeney, B. C. & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113-147.

These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).

Free worksheet for non-commercial use: you may share it with credit to the author, without modifying it (Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 4.0 licence).

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Gonzalo Garzo, clinical psychologist

Gonzalo Garzo, clinical psychologist

A psychologist since 2018, I work with people online (in English, French or Spanish) and at my practice in La Rochelle, using third-wave CBT and EMDR. These worksheets help you move forward; if you need support, the first contact (20 min) is free.