Attachment: my bonds · worksheet 152
As children we learn things about ourselves and about others from the way people responded to us: “you can count on others”, “I have to manage on my own”, “if I cry, they get angry”. Those lessons protected us back then. Today, some of them may no longer be true.
This exercise is best done with the support of a psychologist.
Before you start
- What it is for: To see how your history influences your relationships today, and to check whether those lessons are still accurate.
- Best with your psychologist; otherwise about 30 minutes, calmly.
- This isn’t a judgement on your parents: it is understanding what you learnt.
- If memories of violence or neglect come up, stop.
Prefer paper? Download the PDF to print (with a page for psychologists).
What to do with your results
This isn’t a judgement on your parents: they often did what they could with what they had. It is a way of choosing what you keep.
If you find it hard
If it brings back memories of violence or neglect, stop and talk about it with your psychologist.
For psychologists
The PDF also includes a page for the psychologist: how to run the exercise in session, points to watch and scientific references. You are free to use it with your clients.
For psychologists: aim, audience and duration
Explore the “internal working models” built in childhood (beliefs about oneself and about others’ availability), test their validity in current relationships and begin to make them more flexible.
People with a difficult relational history, repeated relational patterns, work on self-esteem. Duration: 30 min, ideally in session.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Roisman, G. I., Padrón, E., Sroufe, L. A. & Egeland, B. (2002). Earned-secure attachment status in retrospect and prospect. Child Development, 73(4), 1204-1219.
Taylor, P., Rietzschel, J., Danquah, A. & Berry, K. (2015). Changes in attachment representations during psychological therapy. Psychotherapy Research, 25(2), 222-238.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
Free worksheet for non-commercial use: you may share it with credit to the author, without modifying it (Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 4.0 licence).
