Attachment: my bonds · worksheet 151
When an important relationship seems threatened (an unanswered message, an argument, a goodbye), an alarm goes off. Some people tend to move closer, check, protest; others close up and pull away. These are ways of protecting yourself that were learnt long ago.
Before you start
- What it is for: To understand what happens inside you when a relationship seems threatened, and what you really need.
- A few minutes after each situation, for one or two weeks.
- Moving closer, protesting, closing up or leaving are learnt protections, not flaws.
- If there is fear or violence in the relationship, your safety comes first.
Prefer paper? Download the PDF to print (with a page for psychologists).
What to do with your results
You will often see that the reaction (protesting, closing up) pushes away exactly what you are looking for (closeness, respect). The need, on the other hand, is legitimate.
If you find it hard
If you experience fear or violence in a relationship, it isn’t a question of attachment: tell someone you trust (3919 in France, 016 in Spain, or your local helpline).
For psychologists
The PDF also includes a page for the psychologist: how to run the exercise in session, points to watch and scientific references. You are free to use it with your clients.
For psychologists: aim, audience and duration
Observe in real situations the triggers of the attachment system (silence, distance, conflict, separation) and the strategies used (hyperactivation: protesting, monitoring; deactivation: withdrawing, minimising), with their effects.
Repetitive couple conflicts, jealousy, an intense need for reassurance, difficulty expressing needs, emotional withdrawal. Duration: 5 min after each situation, for 1 or 2 weeks.
References
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R. & Pereg, D. (2003). Attachment theory and affect regulation: The dynamics, development, and cognitive consequences of attachment-related strategies. Motivation and Emotion, 27(2), 77-102.
Mikulincer, M. & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). Guilford.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
Free worksheet for non-commercial use: you may share it with credit to the author, without modifying it (Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 4.0 licence).
