What if you started treating yourself as fairly as you treat others?
Doubting yourself, comparing yourself, not daring to say no or punishing yourself for every mistake is exhausting. I explain what self-esteem is in psychology, why it sometimes stays low and how to strengthen it realistically.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the value you give yourself. It is not about believing you are perfect, but about being able to accept your strengths as well as your flaws. In Carol Ryff’s model of psychological well-being, this self-acceptance is one of the pillars of positive mental health.
When it is low, it often shows on three levels
The way you talk to yourself
A very critical inner voice that notices mistakes and plays down successes.
The way you relate to others
Difficulty saying no, expressing disagreement or asking for what you need.
The way you act
Putting your plans off, not taking opportunities or giving up for fear of failing or being judged.
Self-esteem is not fixed: it is built throughout life and can be strengthened at any age.
Does this sound familiar?
Some common signs of fragile self-esteem:
You constantly compare yourself
And the comparison always favours other people.
One criticism brings you down
One negative remark weighs more than ten positive ones.
You find it hard to set limits
You say yes when you would like to say no, then you blame yourself.
You need approval
You find it hard to decide without others confirming that it is right.
Perfectionism
Either it is perfect, or you feel you have failed.
Why does self-esteem stay low?
How we explain what happens to us
A key factor is attributions: the way you explain your successes and failures. People with low self-esteem tend to explain a failure in an internal, stable and global way:
Internal
“It went wrong because of me”, without taking the circumstances into account.
Stable
“It always happens to me”, as if it could not change.
Global
“I’m useless”, extending one specific mistake to your whole person.
Successes, on the other hand, are put down to luck or external factors. Each experience thus confirms the negative self-image, and you avoid the situations that could prove it wrong.
This often comes with a passive communication style: keeping quiet about what you think and need to avoid conflict. In the short term it brings relief, but it reinforces the feeling that your needs don’t count.
What helps, according to psychology
Strengthening self-esteem is not about repeating positive phrases to yourself, but about changing the way you think, act and treat yourself:
Cognitive restructuring
Spotting and reviewing the critical voice and unfair attributions, looking for more realistic explanations.
Assertiveness
Practising saying no, expressing disagreement and asking for what you need, based on basic rights: changing your mind, being heard, making mistakes.
ACT and self-compassion
Taking distance from self-judgements and treating yourself with the kindness you would show a friend, while acting on your values.
Research on self-compassion suggests that treating yourself with understanding when you make mistakes is associated with greater well-being, without meaning you resign yourself.
How I support you
Exploring your history
How the image you have of yourself was built and which situations trigger it today.
Changing your inner dialogue
Recognising your critical voice and learning to answer it more fairly.
Practising boundaries
Rehearsing in session the situations where you find it hard to say no or stand up for your opinion.
Acting on your values
Moving towards what you want, even with the fear of being judged or getting it wrong.
I work with CBT and ACT, adapting the tools to your situation.
What you can start today
Write down your successes
Every evening, one thing you did well, however small. It balances the tendency to remember only mistakes.
Talk to yourself as you would to a friend
When you criticise yourself, ask: would I say it like that to someone I love?
A small no
Practise setting a limit on something unimportant. Assertiveness can be trained.
One step you have been putting off
Choose something you have been putting off for a long time and take the first step, even if you don’t feel ready.
Gonzalo Garzo
Clinical psychologist · CBT and ACT
I have been a clinical psychologist since 2018, and I am also an anthropologist. For years I combined psychology with management positions (see my LinkedIn profile), before dedicating myself fully to clinical work.
I work with an integrative approach: third-wave CBT (ACT, DBT, mindfulness) and EMDR, adapted to each person’s needs.
I have lived in several countries and I work in English, French or Spanish, online or in La Rochelle.
Frequently asked questions
Can you change your self-esteem as an adult?
Yes. It is built throughout life and responds well to psychological work.
Does having self-esteem mean believing you are better than others?
No. Healthy self-esteem means being able to accept yourself with your strengths and limits, without needing to compare yourself.
Why is it so hard for me to say no?
Often because of fear of rejection or conflict, and because it is a learned behaviour. It can be practised step by step.
How long does it take?
It depends on each person. Many people see changes within a few months when they practise between sessions.
Shall we talk?
Sources
- Vázquez, C. and Hervás, G. (2009). Psicología positiva aplicada (2nd ed.). Desclée de Brouwer.
- Caballo, V. (Dir.) (2002). Manual para el tratamiento cognitivo-conductual de los trastornos psicológicos, vol. 1. Siglo XXI.
- Ruiz, M., Díaz, M. and Villalobos, A. (2013). Manual de técnicas de intervención cognitivo conductuales. Desclée de Brouwer.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
This page is for information only and does not replace a professional assessment.