Loving someone shouldn’t mean losing yourself
When your well-being depends almost entirely on another person, when the fear of them leaving you shapes everything, the relationship becomes a source of anguish. I explain what is meant by emotional dependency, why it persists and how we work on it.
What is emotional dependency?
It is not an official diagnosis, but a widely used term to describe a way of relating in which the need for the other person is excessive: intense fear of a breakup or rejection, difficulty being alone and a tendency to always put your partner’s wishes before your own. It can concern a couple, but also friends or family.
How it shows up
Fear of losing the other person
Anxiety about distance, a constant need for reassurance, jealousy or checking up.
Silencing your needs
You find it hard to express disagreement or say no for fear that the other person will pull away.
Staying even when it hurts
Staying in relationships that make you suffer, or going from one to the next so as not to be alone.
Not to be confused with dependent personality disorder in the DSM-5, which is much rarer (about 0.5% of the population), where the need to be taken care of affects almost every area of life.
Does this sound familiar?
Some common signs:
Your mood depends on the other person
If they text you, you are fine; if not, you fall apart.
You always adapt
You change your plans, tastes or opinions to please or to avoid conflict.
Being alone frightens you
Being without a partner seems unbearable, even more so than a relationship that is not good for you.
You justify what hurts you
You play down disrespect or contempt so as not to lose the relationship.
If your relationship involves control, humiliation, threats or violence, this is not emotional dependency but a situation of risk: seek specialist help (in France, 3919; in Spain, 016; in an emergency, 112).
Why is it so hard to get out of?
Fear, avoidance and relief
Emotional dependency is maintained by a mechanism similar to that of anxiety: what calms you in the short term is what keeps the problem going in the long term.
Fear of abandonment
Distance, a silence or a disagreement trigger anguish.
Safety behaviours
Asking for reassurance, giving in, keeping quiet, checking their phone.
Temporary relief
The fear subsides… until next time.
Less self-confidence
You never find out that you could be fine on your own, and the dependency grows.
Behind it there is often fragile self-esteem and a passive communication style: avoiding conflict, not expressing your own needs. It was often learnt early, in relationships where affection seemed conditional.
The good news is that these patterns are learnt, and so they can change.
What helps, according to psychology
The work combines several validated techniques:
Assertiveness
Learning to express what you think and need, to say no and to set limits, practising in session and in your life.
Cognitive restructuring
Reviewing beliefs such as “if they leave me, I won’t cope” or “I’m only worth something if someone loves me”.
Acceptance and commitment therapy
Tolerating the anguish of uncertainty without acting under its grip, and building a life of your own according to your values.
We also work on self-esteem and, if needed, on the attachment patterns that repeat from one relationship to the next.
How I support you
Understanding your pattern
What your relationships are like, what you fear and what you do to calm that fear.
Finding your voice again
Assertiveness, boundaries and expressing your needs without guilt.
Strengthening your self-esteem
So that your worth does not depend on someone’s opinion or approval.
Building healthier bonds
Relationships where you can be close without losing yourself, starting with your relationship with yourself.
I work integratively with CBT and ACT, adapting the pace to each person.
What you can start today
Wait before texting
When you feel the urge to be reassured, wait ten minutes. Watch the anguish rise and then come down on its own.
Do something for yourself
An activity you enjoy that does not depend on anyone. Your life belongs to you too.
Practise a small no
About something unimportant. Boundaries can be trained like a muscle.
Nurture other bonds
Friends and family support you and take the pressure off a single person.
Gonzalo Garzo
Clinical psychologist · relationships and self-esteem
I have been a clinical psychologist since 2018, and I am also an anthropologist. For years I combined psychology with management positions (see my LinkedIn profile), before dedicating myself fully to clinical work.
I work with an integrative approach: third-wave CBT (ACT, DBT, mindfulness) and EMDR, adapted to each person’s needs.
I have lived in several countries and I work in English, French or Spanish, online or in La Rochelle.
Frequently asked questions
Is emotional dependency a disorder?
It is not an official diagnosis, even though it is a much-studied pattern. It can come with anxiety, low self-esteem or depression, which can be assessed and treated.
Should I leave my relationship?
Not necessarily. The aim is for you to be able to decide freely and not out of fear. Sometimes the relationship improves; sometimes the decision is a different one.
Is it because of my childhood?
Early experiences can play a part, but to change, the key is to understand what keeps the pattern going today.
Can my partner come?
My work is individual. If needed, I can refer you to couples therapy.
Shall we talk?
Sources
- American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
- Castelló Blasco, J. (2005). Dependencia emocional: características y tratamiento. Alianza.
- Caballo, V. (Dir.) (2002). Manual para el tratamiento cognitivo-conductual de los trastornos psicológicos, vol. 1. Siglo XXI.
- Ruiz, M., Díaz, M. and Villalobos, A. (2013). Manual de técnicas de intervención cognitivo conductuales. Desclée de Brouwer.
This page is for information only and does not replace a professional assessment.