A breakup really hurts. And you can get through it
Separating from someone you love, or have loved, turns your whole life upside down: your emotions, your routine, your plans and your self-image. I explain why it hurts so much, what helps you recover and how I can support you.
Why does a breakup hurt so much?
On the Holmes and Rahe social readjustment rating scale, which ranks life events according to the change they demand, separation from a partner is among the most stressful, just after the death of a spouse. Feeling as if the world is falling apart is not an exaggeration.
What you lose all at once
A bond
The person with whom you shared your intimacy, your daily life and an important part of your identity.
A shared life
Routines, a home, mutual friends, plans for the future that won’t happen.
An image of yourself
A breakup often affects self-esteem: “what did I do wrong?”, “who will love me?”.
A brain imaging study (Kross and colleagues, 2011) showed that thinking about a recent breakup activates brain regions that are also activated by physical pain. Hurting “in your body” has a basis.
When the breakup gets stuck
It is normal to go through difficult weeks or months. It is better to ask for help when:
You can’t stop thinking about it
You go over it again and again, reread messages, look the other person up on social media again and again.
Your life has stopped
You find it hard to work, sleep, eat or see people; everything revolves around the breakup.
You keep going back
Relapses, on-off patterns or contact that hurts you even though you know it is not good for you.
Your self-esteem has collapsed
Guilt, shame, the feeling of being worthless or of never being able to love again.
If you also feel very low most of the time or have thoughts of not wanting to live, seek help quickly.
What keeps the pain going?
Between rumination and avoidance
A breakup is very similar to grief. The dual process model describes a healthy back-and-forth between facing the loss and facing life. The problem arises when you get stuck at one of the two extremes:
Staying in the loss
Going over it, reliving the past, keeping in contact to ease the anguish.
Running from the loss
Filling your diary, jumping straight into another relationship, not allowing yourself to feel.
Moving between the two
Feeling and also rebuilding: this is what helps the wound close.
Rumination feels as if it solves something, but it often increases sadness. And constant contact with your ex, even if it brings relief in the moment, reactivates the bond and delays recovery: it is the same mechanism of immediate relief that keeps anxiety going.
Recovering does not mean forgetting or no longer feeling anything, but that the breakup stops taking up all the space and that you can again steer your life towards what matters to you.
What helps, according to psychology
There is no “breakup therapy”, but there are validated techniques that adapt very well to this moment:
Cognitive restructuring
Reviewing guilt, comparisons and predictions such as “I’ll never be OK again” or “I’m worthless”.
Behavioural activation
Gradually getting back to enjoyable activities and routines, so that your mood does not depend only on what is happening inside.
Acceptance and commitment therapy
Making room for the pain without letting it dictate your decisions, and rebuilding your life around what matters to you.
When the breakup reactivates repeated patterns (choosing partners who hurt you, depending a lot on the other person), we work on those too.
How I support you
A space to talk about it
Without judgement. Understanding what happened and how it affects you.
Taking care of what is urgent
Sleep, routine, support, boundaries with the other person: whatever helps you get through these days.
Working on the pain and the guilt
Emotions, the thoughts that drag you down and rumination.
Rebuilding
Your self-esteem, your plans and, if you wish, understanding your patterns for future relationships.
Sessions take place online, in English, French or Spanish, at times that suit you.
What you can start today
Take some digital distance
Mute or archive their social media and your conversations. Looking at them rekindles the pain every time.
Plan something enjoyable
Every day, a small activity you like or that does you good, even if you don’t feel like it at first.
Lean on the people close to you
Tell someone you trust how you are. Social support cushions the blow.
Write instead of going over it
Take 15 minutes a day to write down what you feel, and outside that time, come back to what you are doing.
Gonzalo Garzo
Clinical psychologist · relationships and transitions
I have been a clinical psychologist since 2018, and I am also an anthropologist. For years I combined psychology with management positions (see my LinkedIn profile), before dedicating myself fully to clinical work.
I work with an integrative approach: third-wave CBT (ACT, DBT, mindfulness) and EMDR, adapted to each person’s needs.
I have lived in several countries and I work in English, French or Spanish, online or in La Rochelle.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
There is no set time. It depends on the relationship, how it ended and your support. What matters is that the pain changes over time.
Should I stay in touch with my ex?
A period of distance is often useful, especially at the beginning. We assess it according to your situation, for example if you have children or work together.
I was the one who left: is it normal to feel bad?
Yes. Leaving a relationship is also a loss, and it can come with guilt and doubts.
Can we come as a couple?
My work is individual. If you are looking for couples therapy, I can point you in the right direction.
Shall we talk?
Sources
- Robertson, G. J. (2014). Transitions in later life. Scoping research. Calouste Gulbenkian Foundation. (Holmes and Rahe social readjustment rating scale).
- Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E. and Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS, 108(15), 6270-6275.
- Stroebe, M. and Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.
- Ruiz, M., Díaz, M. and Villalobos, A. (2013). Manual de técnicas de intervención cognitivo conductuales. Desclée de Brouwer.
- Sandín, B. (2002). Estrés. In Manual de psicopatología. McGraw-Hill.
This page is for information only and does not replace a professional assessment.