Losing someone changes many things. You don’t have to go through it alone
Grief is a natural response to loss, and most people get through it with their own resources. Sometimes, though, it gets stuck. I explain how grief works, when to ask for help and how I can support you.
What is grief?
Grief is the process of adapting after a significant loss. The death of a loved one is among the most stressful life events a person can go through. It is not an illness: it is a human response that affects emotions, thoughts, the body and daily life.
What it often involves
Intense emotions
Sadness, longing, anger, guilt, relief or even moments of calm. Anything can come up, sometimes on the same day.
Thoughts and memories
Thinking a lot about the person, reliving the last moments, wondering what you could have done differently.
Changes in your life
Reorganising daily life, taking on tasks or roles the other person used to handle, redefining who you are without them.
There is no “right” way to grieve and no fixed timetable. Every person and every loss is different.
When grief becomes complicated
In most cases, the pain gradually finds its place. But about one bereaved person in ten develops prolonged grief, where the pain stays so intense that it brings life to a halt. Some signs:
The pain does not change
After many months, the longing for or preoccupation with the person who died remains intense almost every day.
The loss is hard to accept
A sense of disbelief, as if it had not happened, or avoiding everything that is a reminder of it.
Life has stopped
Difficulty getting back to work, relationships or plans; the feeling that life no longer makes sense.
Some losses weigh more
A sudden or traumatic death, an ambivalent relationship, little support or several crises at the same time increase the risk of grief becoming complicated.
Current classifications describe prolonged grief disorder when these reactions persist for at least 6 months (ICD-11) or 12 months (DSM-5-TR) and go beyond what is expected in the person’s cultural context.
How do we go through grief?
Moving back and forth between the loss and life
The dual process model (Stroebe and Schut) describes grief as an oscillation between two types of tasks. This back-and-forth is healthy: it is neither about thinking about the loss all the time nor about avoiding it completely.
Facing the loss
Remembering, crying, talking about the person, feeling their absence.
Facing life
Taking care of daily life, learning new tasks, allowing yourself breaks from the pain.
Moving between the two
Moving flexibly from one to the other helps you integrate the loss.
In psychological support, grief involves several tasks: accepting the reality of the loss, expressing your emotions (including those that are hard to acknowledge), overcoming the obstacles to readjusting and finding a new emotional place for the person who has gone, one that allows you to go on living.
When one of these tasks gets stuck, for example when you avoid everything that reminds you of the person, grief tends to stay frozen.
What research says
Not every bereaved person needs therapy. But when grief becomes complicated, some interventions have proven their worth:
Grief-focused therapy
Cognitive behavioural interventions that work on accepting the loss, avoidance and rebuilding plans give good results in prolonged grief.
Processing what happened
When the death was sudden or traumatic, it may be necessary to process what you went through emotionally, with exposure techniques or EMDR.
Support and resources
Strengthening your support network, preventing isolation and drawing on local resources are part of the support.
In uncomplicated grief, routine preventive intervention has not shown clear benefits: hence the importance of assessing each situation carefully.
How I support you through grief
Listening and understanding
A space to talk about the person and what you are going through, without hurry and without judgement. We assess how your grief is going.
Making room for emotions
Expressing what you feel, including guilt, anger or relief, which are often hard to share with the people around you.
Unblocking what is stuck
If you avoid certain memories or places, or if the death was traumatic, we work on processing it gradually.
Rebuilding
Getting back to activities, relationships and plans, and finding a way to keep carrying the person with you.
The aim is neither to forget nor to “turn the page”, but to learn to live with the absence.
What you can start today
Talk about the person
Sharing memories with someone you trust helps you integrate the loss rather than cover it up.
Keep a minimal routine
Eating, sleeping, going out a little. Small things that support the body when the mind is exhausted.
Don’t isolate yourself
Even if you feel like being alone, keep a few contacts. Social support is protective in difficult grief.
Give yourself permission
To cry, but also to laugh or take a break from the pain. Moving back and forth is part of the process.
Gonzalo Garzo
Clinical psychologist · grief, trauma and EMDR
I have been a clinical psychologist since 2018, and I am also an anthropologist. For years I combined psychology with management positions (see my LinkedIn profile), before dedicating myself fully to clinical work.
I work with an integrative approach: third-wave CBT (ACT, DBT, mindfulness) and EMDR, adapted to each person’s needs.
I have lived in several countries and I work in English, French or Spanish, online or in La Rochelle.
Frequently asked questions
How long does “normal” grief last?
There is no fixed timeframe. The intensity usually decreases over the months, even though there are harder moments, such as anniversaries or certain dates.
Is it normal to feel relief or anger?
Yes, especially after a long illness or a complicated relationship. These are common emotions, and they don’t mean you loved the person any less.
When should I ask for help?
If after many months the pain does not change, if you cannot get back to your life, if the death was traumatic or if you have thoughts of not wanting to live.
Is grief only about a death?
The word is used mostly for deaths, but a separation, a move abroad or a loss of health can also be experienced as grief.
Shall we talk?
Sources
- López, M. (2008). Asesoramiento gerontológico. In Fernández-Ballesteros, R. (Dir.), Psicología de la vejez. Una psicogerontología aplicada (pp. 97-113). Pirámide.
- Robertson, G. J. (2014). Transitions in later life. Scoping research. Calouste Gulbenkian Foundation.
- Stroebe, M. and Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.
- Lundorff, M., Holmgren, H., Zachariae, R., Farver-Vestergaard, I. and O’Connor, M. (2017). Prevalence of prolonged grief disorder in adult bereavement: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 212, 138-149.
- Currier, J. M., Neimeyer, R. A. and Berman, J. S. (2008). The effectiveness of psychotherapeutic interventions for bereaved persons: A comprehensive quantitative review. Psychological Bulletin, 134(5), 648-661.
- Shear, K., Frank, E., Houck, P. R. and Reynolds, C. F. (2005). Treatment of complicated grief: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA, 293(21), 2601-2608.
- World Health Organization. ICD-11, 6B42 Prolonged grief disorder.
- American Psychiatric Association (2022). DSM-5-TR.
This page is for information only and does not replace a professional assessment.