DBT: relationships · worksheet 86
To ask for something or say no, a simple structure helps you be clear, even when emotional. Prepare it in advance.
Before you start
- What it is for: To ask for what you need, or say no, clearly and effectively.
- About 15 minutes to prepare a conversation in which you want to ask for something or say no.
- There are four steps: describe, express, assert, reinforce. Preparing them in writing makes it much easier to say afterwards.
- While you are talking: stick to your request (like a broken record if needed), calmly and willing to negotiate.
Prefer paper? Download the PDF to print (with a page for psychologists).
What to do with your results
Note what worked and what got stuck. Even if you didn’t get what you wanted, a clear request is already an achievement.
If you find it hard
If you get lost in the discussion, calmly repeat your request (like a “broken record”). If the relationship frightens you, talk to a professional.
For psychologists
The PDF also includes a page for the psychologist: how to run the exercise in session, points to watch and scientific references. You are free to use it with your clients.
For psychologists: aim, audience and duration
Structure an effective request or refusal: describing the situation, expressing what one feels, asserting clearly and reinforcing (saying what the other person gains), while staying focused, appearing confident and open to negotiation.
Difficulty getting what one needs, conflictual relationships. A complement to worksheet 74. Duration: 20 min in session; role plays.
References
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford.
Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L. & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.
These worksheets do not replace therapy. If you are in distress or having suicidal thoughts, call your local emergency number (112 in Europe; 3114 in France, free, 24/7).
Free worksheet for non-commercial use: you may share it with credit to the author, without modifying it (Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 4.0 licence).
